White Knight: Ten Page Tuesdays #1
For our first Ten Page Tuesday together, I give you the first ten pages of the current draft of my play White Knight about the 1991 Louisiana Gubernatorial election where David Duke, former leader of the KKK, won 40% of the vote against a former Louisiana governor. The actual story of David Duke and the 1991 election was fascinating to me, with pollsters using modern methods in a state election, Republican double agents, and two extremely charming if not flawed contenders.
In scene one, Edwin Edwards, confident after the incumbent governor switched parties plans strategy with his campaign manager. In scene two, Indiana pollster Katherine Utley goes head-to-head with her young volunteers about the reality of politics.
Except for the candidates or other national figures, all characters are fictional.
Thank you, and enjoy.
SCENE 1
EDWIN EDWARDS, 64, gregarious, barrel-chested, enters trailed closely by TOM WALKER, middle-aged, thin, reserved.
EDWARDS
Goddamn we got 'em runnin' scared now, don't we?
Heard Roemer got right down on his knees in the governor's mansion, folded his hands, and prayed to God "Please! Make me a Republican!"
Made his campaign manager get down there with him, right down on the floor to pray.
God damn that feels good to hear.
Cause he knows, he knows, Tom, he knows that he don't wanna go up again me on the same ticket cause he ain't got a chance in hell, not a shot in hell to win, Not again, not this time. I don't care how many of those sincere goddamn commercials he runs all day and night. All I had to do was announce and suddenly Buddy Roemer's found God and the GOP.
I tell you what I'm gonna do, Tom, he come at me with all that "I love Louisiana" horse shit, I don't make enough people angry? Well he's gonna be mad as hell by the time I'm done with him. You watch. You watch me. Buddy goddamn Roemer, nobody'll be able to remember his name at the end of all this.
WALKER
[I]f it comes down to an election today I think it'd be a bit tighter than you th[ink] --
EDWARDS
Election? Election my ass. He ain't never gonna see an election. You think any of these fools are gonna see a general? They call it a "jungle primary" for a reason. Survival of the fittest, Tom, and they're going up against a lion.
WALKER
You may well be right, Mr. Edwards, but I think we should still talk a little strategy.
EDWARDS
I just told you my strategy.
WALKER
I'm sorry, I must have --
EDWARDS
I'm gonna swallow Buddy Roemer and the rest of those goddamn Republican misfits whole! This is Louisiana, Tom. We may shoot Democrats down here but we by God elect them first. These Republicans ain't even an appetizer.
WALKER
All right.
Well:
let's talk about how we're gonna serve the meal.
EDWARDS
"Serve the meal."
That's nice. I like that.
"How we're gonna serve the meal," that's good.
WALKER
Thank you.
EDWARDS
That's clever.
I like clever.
Clever's a helluva lot better than sincere, I'll tell you that.
WALKER
But I think we should really talk about the numbers if we're going to --
EDWARDS
What're you saying? The numbers?
WALKER
I'm saying -- despite your confidence -- the numbers don't add up to a primary majority.
EDWARDS
(serious)
Well talk to me about the numbers.
WALKER
Holloway has got the Republican nomination locked up, but that doesn't mean anything.
EDWARDS
Bunch of rich old men trying to buy back their plantations.
WALKER
Right, but Roemer isn't fighting with Holloway, he's fighting with you. No self respecting Republican is going to vote Roemer, road to Damascus or not. The Roemer votes are only coming from one place. But Holloway isn't exactly pulling in the votes, either.
EDWARDS
I don't like cryptic, Tom.
WALKER
Duke's got a base of support that doesn't give two damns in hell about party. The question is, how big that base is.
EDWARDS
Those hicks in Metairie don't scare me. Let 'em run around in their good sheets all the want. Hell, if that's what it takes to get a vote I'll campaign in my duvet. I'll even get it tailored. It'll be a toga party everywhere we go.
WALKER
Let's hope it's that easy.
EDWARDS
Easy's got nothing to do with it, Tom. Ain't no campaign I ever run ever been "easy." Fun, sure. Every one of them's been a helluva lot of fun, but easy? Not so much.
WALKER
I'm not sure how fun this one's gonna be. Judging by the numbers --
EDWARDS
You keep talking about "the numbers." How sure are you about those numbers?
WALKER
I'm confident.
EDWARDS
How confident?
WALKER
Incredibly.
EDWARDS
So this boy you brought down from up north, this -- what was his name again?
WALKER
Foster.
Paul Foster.
EDWARDS
Right.
Foster.
This boy you brought down, he's as good as you say he is?
WALKER
Better.
There's not but two or three people in the whole country who are above his level.
EDWARDS
And these two or three people, who do they work for?
WALKER
(an insinuation)
Presidents.
EDWARDS
(a smile creeping over his face)
I like that.
I do. I like that.
WALKER
I'll have Paul come in and explain the numbers to you himself, break it all down --
EDWARDS
I don't look at numbers, Tom. That's what I pay people like you and Paul Foster for. I'm the executioner, I execute. And your job is to put a head on the block for me. So tell me, whose throat am I breathing down?
WALKER
Well:
With Roemer defecting to the other side it doesn't matter what you have to say about him or anybody else. You're against them, they're against you. Everybody knows it. So you don't want to waste time or money enumerating the, the... deficiencies of each and every one of them. You're against Roemer on policy, you're against Holloway on party, and you're against Duke on principal.
EDWARDS
Right.
So what do I gotta do?
WALKER
What you gotta do, what we have to do as a campaign, is stir the pot.
EDWARDS
Stir the pot?
WALKER
And set the table.
Get Roemer and Holloway and Duke all fighting it out and keep them fighting right up until the primary. Make it look like they're kids on the playground fighting over a toy. Let them fight about the politics of it and by the time the primary rolls around you're the only option on the menu that looks good. Win in the primary, no need for a general.
EDWARDS
But you're still worried about Roemer?
WALKER
I am.
EDWARDS
Why?
WALKER
Other than the fact that he beat you once already?
EDWARDS
I mean you don't gotta rub my nose in it.
WALKER
I'm not rubbing your nose in anything. It's a fact. But it was smart not to let that go to a general. That kept you clean. But that's why you can't come in screaming about how bad of a job he's doing. It's gonna come off as a big "I told you so" to the Democrats and they're rather double down on a bad decision than admit they made a mistake.
But he's not popular.
He came in with reform, but he can't reform as an incumbent, so he's either gonna have to stand by the decisions he made in office or he's gonna have to change tack. You can't let him do that. So what you've gotta do, when it comes to Roemer, is ask the right questions.
EDWARDS
And what are those?
WALKER
Same questions you've been asking for twenty years: what has he done to help the average man, woman, and child in Louisiana. Ask those questions and make him answer.
EDWARDS
If it's that easy why should I worry?
WALKER
Because Roemer is the sitting governor.
Because of the fact that he's beat you in a primary before.
And because if you fuck up it's gonna be Roemer and Duke in the general, and I can't promise that Roemer is gonna walk away from that fight.
SCENE 2
KATHERINE UTLEY, 30s, stands among the young, male volunteers for the Holloway campaign.
UTLEY
...volumes are low, we gotta dial those numbers faster. There's too much lag time between calls. And stick to business when you're on the phone. Cause I got news for you, gentlemen, a pretty voice does not equal a pretty face and I've got a call from an 80 year old grandmother named Eunice to prove it.
Laughter from the crowd.
UTLEY
All right, that's just about --
They start to get up and go.
UTLEY
(stopping them)
Wait wait wait wait wait! We've got one more thing before you go.
The volunteers sit with a grown, she waits for the restlessness to die down:
UTLEY
(holding up a sheaf of paper)
What is this?
Beat.
No answer.
UTLEY
It's all right, there's no wrong answers.
BRIAN
From the size of it looks like Gone with the goddamn Wind.
A snicker from the boys.
UTLEY
Maybe there are some wrong answers.
A hand in the crowd.
UTLEY
You.
TODD
It's the script you gave us.
UTLEY
Right.
That's exactly right.
And what were you supposed to do with the script?
Beat.
No response.
UTLEY
(as though to a kindergarten class)
It's okay if you don't remember.
Another hand.
UTLEY
All right, Bob.
DON
It's Don.
UTLEY
Don.
Sorry.
Go ahead.
DON
( a smile)
What was the question?
The men laugh, a high school class with a substitute teacher vibe.
UTLEY
What were you supposed to do with the script I gave you?
DON
We were supposed to read it.
UTLEY
To whom?
Looks all around: is she really doing this?
UTLEY
C'mon.
DON
To the people we call.
UTLEY
Right. Exactly right. Gold star for Don. We're supposed to read it to the people we're polling.
DON
Yeah, but that don't make no sense.
UTLEY
Why not?
DON
There's like two hundred questions there.
UTLEY
(feigning ignorance)
Is there?
(flipping the pages)
Wow. You're right. There's, like, two hundred questions here.
DON
Well. Yeah.
UTLEY
So?
DON
I don't understand why we gotta ask somebody all those questions when all we wanna know is who they're gonna vote for. I can get that in one question.
UTLEY
And what question is that?
DON
(beat, suddenly confused: wasn't it obvious?)
Well...
"Who're you gonna vote for?"
UTLEY
And they're just gonna tell us?
DON
Yeah.
Why wouldn't they?
UTLEY
I don't know.
Why?
DON
Well that's what I'm saying.
UTLEY
I know. I heard you.
DON
I mean...
All right:
Why do I gotta ask 'em if...
If they think,
you know,
what they think about welfare or whatever?
What's that go to do with anything? All we wanna know is who they're gonna vote for.
UTLEY
Because we need to know who they're going to vote for, not who they say they're going to vote for.
TODD
What's the difference?
UTLEY
What if they lie?
DON
Why'd somebody lie about that?
UTLEY
Why would someone lie about who they're going to vote for?
Well, let's see...
(a thought)
Let me ask you a question.
DON
All right.
UTLEY
Do you drink coffee?
DON
Yeah.
Every morning.
UTLEY
And do you get it at a coffee shop or do you make it at home?
DON
I make it at home.
UTLEY
Drink it in the morning with your breakfast, that sort of thing?
DON
Yeah.
UTLEY
How many cups?
DON
I dunno. One or two.
UTLEY
One or two?
DON
Yeah.
UTLEY
And you eat a light breakfast?
DON
No, I like a big breakfast.
UTLEY
So you make your coffee one cup at a time, or...?
DON
No, I make a pot.
UTLEY
You make a pot of coffee in the morning?
DON
Yeah.
UTLEY
For your big breakfast.
DON
Yeah.
UTLEY
A whole pot?
DON
Yeah.
UTLEY
And you have one of those small sized machines? Like you might get in a hotel room or something?
DON
No, it's a regular sized machine.
UTLEY
So what do you do with the leftover coffee?
DON
Leftover?
UTLEY
Yeah. What do you do with it. Do you save it do you pour it down the drain, what?
DON
Th[ere] ain't none.
UTLEY
There's no leftover?
DON
That's right.
UTLEY
But you make a whole pot.
DON
Right.
UTLEY
Regular sized pot.
DON
That's right.
UTLEY
Are you married?
DON
No.
UTLEY
Girlfriend lives with you?
DON
No.
UTLEY
Stays over a lot?
DON
Now I'm not sure we're talking about coffee anymore, but no, I'm single.
UTLEY
Roommates?
DON
(getting irritated, perhaps feeling humiliated at this point)
I'm a grown man, I live by myself.
UTLEY
And how many cups are in a pot of coffee?
DON
(realizing)
Well, I...
UTLEY
It doesn't have to be exact.
How many cups are in a pot?
DON
(playing it off)
Oh I dunno. Four or five.
UTLEY
Four or five?
DON
Something like that.
UTLEY
Sounds like a small pot of coffee.
DON
Maybe.
I dunno.
UTLEY
So you drink a full pot of coffee in the morning.
DON
Yes, ma'am.
UTLEY
Four or five cups to a pot.
DON
That sounds about right.
UTLEY
So why'd you tell us you only drink one or two cups of coffee in the morning?
DON
I don't rightly know.
UTLEY
There's got to be a reason.
DON
I dunno. Sounded better, I guess?
UTLEY
Beacause it sounded. better.
That's. The whole. Point.
It took me -- what? -- fifteen, twenty questions to find out how many cups of coffee you drink in the morning? Fifty or twenty questions about something so astonishingly unimportant as how many cups of coffee you drink in the morning
(which, by the way, five cups of coffee is too much, so maybe cut down)
But it took that many questions to get to the truth. Because when I asked the first question what did you do?
You lied.
You lied.
You lied because you knew if you told the truth it wasn't going to sound good.
That people were going to judge you.
(Which, again...)
But:
you still think people are going to tell you the truth about who they're going to vote for.
They won't.
I can tell you that for a fact.
Maybe it's different down here. I'm not from here, maybe you're right. These are your people. Maybe in any other race they would pick up the phone and tell you the truth.
But not this one.
And hey, clearly you have more trust in people than I do. In the north we call that naivete, but down here I guess that could pass for charm.
Or maybe it's just garden variety stupidity.
DON
Hey, I ain't getting paid for being here. I'm just doing my civic duty I don't need some woman talking to me like I'm a child.
UTLEY
That's right. You're not getting paid. So you can feel free to get the fuck out of here and go volunteer for some other campaign that doesn't have any interest in winning.
DON
Excuse me?
UTLEY
Was I unclear? Or, oh, do you not have the word "fuck" down here?
DON
I ain't never let a woman talk to me the was you are.
UTLEY
I know, you already said you were single. Now do your civic duty and shut the fuck up and listen so we can have a shot at getting through this primary.
And guys, I know this is not my state. And I know the people on the other side of those phones, you feel like you know them. But if you're gonna work with me you've got to disabuse yourself of that notion real quick. Because nobody knows anybody in this world. We only know what they want us to know. So what you've gotta do when you dial that phone or when you knock on those doors, you gotta think of yourself as prosecutors. And the people you're talking to, they're defendants on the stand. And everything they're going to tell you is going to be what makes them sound best to you. Not because they're evil and not because they're trying to hide anything, but because they're human beings. And human beings just want to be liked. Because human beings just want to be included. So these people, they're going to look at you and they're going to want to please you and make you happy. Or, maybe, they're going to look at you and they're gonna hate your guts because they hate everything you stand for. But either way, if you ask them who they're going to vote for, there is a better than fair chance they're going to lie to your face and give you the answer that they think you want to hear. They might not even know that they're lying until they go back in and think about it for a while and realize that, no, they are not a fan of Clyde Holloway. Or they might not be lying at all, they may genuinely believe that they are going to drive down to the polling booths and vote for Clyde Holloway. Or maybe Buddy Roemer. And that's why I gave you this list of questions, because we don't want to know who they say they're going to vote for. We want to know who they will vote for.
(holding up the questions)
That's what this is for.
But there is one thing we know, to a person, to be true. And that is, unless they are standing in that doorway in a full klan robe or in their SS uniform, not a single person is going to admit to you that they are voting for David Duke if you ask them. So you wanna know why we have to ask them about "welfare or whatever" or how they feel about student bussing, it's because if they can answer enough questions we can know who they're gonna vote for.
So if you wanna believe that people are inherently good and truthful, that's fine. But this is a lie detector. So you wanna believe people are honest, prove it. Ask them the questions, get the answers, and I'll sort out the truth.
You can go now.
